How to recognize them: They stare at you and your kids when you’re out in public, giving what they believe to be sympathetic looks if you have more than one. They get extremely nosey when you only have one child. And they treat you like a barren freak of nature if you tell them you don’t want children at all.
Frequently heard saying: “Oh you poor thing! You must have your hands full! I pity you!”
“So, when are you having another one?”
“You don’t want kids?!?!” **clutches pearls** “But children are such a blessing! You’re young yet. You’ll change your mind.”
Why they bug: Why do people have such a hard time with the “live and let live” concept? We all make our choices. The number of children you decide to have, or not have, is completely up to you. We have control over these things. We are free to live our lives in whatever way makes us happy. Just because a woman is juggling more than one child, that does not mean her life is miserable. Some people are perfectly satisfied with one child. And if someone decides that parenthood is not something they have any interest in at all, there’s nothing wrong with that, either. We all have our private reasons for these decisions. What if the woman at the grocery store adopted one of her children, saving them from horrible circumstances? What if the woman with one child had financial problems and another child isn’t something they could afford? What if the woman who chooses not to have children reached her decision after learning that she has fertility issues? It’s rude to make assumptions. It’s rude to ask questions. Does it really matter that much to you?
Their retort: “I was just making conversation.” “I was trying to be compassionate.” “I just know how much I love my kids and hate to see people miss out on this joy.”
My response: Get your fucking nose out of my uterus and mind your own business!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
In Support Of High Tech Births
Last week, I chose my child’s birthday.
On that day, or perhaps a few days before that if she decides she wants out sooner, I will arrive at the hospital, be prepped for surgery, cut open and have her removed abdominally rather than vaginally. This is the birth I have chosen.
I’m probably a decent candidate for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). I don’t know for sure because I have not really discussed it at length with my OBGYN practice. At my first prenatal visit I made it clear that I had no interest in a VBAC. I was told at that point that if I did not attempt a VBAC this time, I would not be able to attempt one with any subsequent pregnancies. That’s fine with me since I don’t intend to have any more.
I don’t get why I have to defend this choice to some people.
I also don’t get why some people are so gung ho to use technology to get pregnant via fertility treatments. Yet, once they are pregnant, shun every possible piece of technology available. Why is one okay and not the other?
I also question why the very same people will fight tooth and nail to have a safe and high tech abortion when the outcome is that the fetus does not survive. These women would not want to do such a thing at home. Yet, they would love to have a home birth. If something did go wrong in those circumstances, they may not have the medical equipment available to ensure the child would survive.
Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
People will say that the act of giving birth is a natural process and not a medical procedure. I disagree. If there’s blood involved, it’s medical. If someone’s life is at stake, it’s a medical procedure. If you have an opportunity to mitigate your pain and plan ahead, why not do it? This is not a third world country. You do not have to suffer or be inconvenienced.
When I went into the hospital to have my first child, I was asked if I had a birth plan. I told them, “You’ll probably do this more times today than I’m going to in my entire lifetime. I’ll just follow your lead.” Perhaps I am giving up control of my experience but that’s okay with me. I just want everything to be done safely. So I’m going to leave it up to the experts and professionals.
So I will spend the next few weeks planning childbirth, as much as anyone can plan childbirth. But at least I have a definite date that I can’t go back. To me, childbirth is not a means to an end but rather a means to a beginning.
On that day, or perhaps a few days before that if she decides she wants out sooner, I will arrive at the hospital, be prepped for surgery, cut open and have her removed abdominally rather than vaginally. This is the birth I have chosen.
I’m probably a decent candidate for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). I don’t know for sure because I have not really discussed it at length with my OBGYN practice. At my first prenatal visit I made it clear that I had no interest in a VBAC. I was told at that point that if I did not attempt a VBAC this time, I would not be able to attempt one with any subsequent pregnancies. That’s fine with me since I don’t intend to have any more.
I don’t get why I have to defend this choice to some people.
I also don’t get why some people are so gung ho to use technology to get pregnant via fertility treatments. Yet, once they are pregnant, shun every possible piece of technology available. Why is one okay and not the other?
I also question why the very same people will fight tooth and nail to have a safe and high tech abortion when the outcome is that the fetus does not survive. These women would not want to do such a thing at home. Yet, they would love to have a home birth. If something did go wrong in those circumstances, they may not have the medical equipment available to ensure the child would survive.
Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
People will say that the act of giving birth is a natural process and not a medical procedure. I disagree. If there’s blood involved, it’s medical. If someone’s life is at stake, it’s a medical procedure. If you have an opportunity to mitigate your pain and plan ahead, why not do it? This is not a third world country. You do not have to suffer or be inconvenienced.
When I went into the hospital to have my first child, I was asked if I had a birth plan. I told them, “You’ll probably do this more times today than I’m going to in my entire lifetime. I’ll just follow your lead.” Perhaps I am giving up control of my experience but that’s okay with me. I just want everything to be done safely. So I’m going to leave it up to the experts and professionals.
So I will spend the next few weeks planning childbirth, as much as anyone can plan childbirth. But at least I have a definite date that I can’t go back. To me, childbirth is not a means to an end but rather a means to a beginning.
Monday, May 10, 2010
What I Want For Mother's Day 2011
1. An alcoholic beverage - I was too pregnant to party this year. Every year, my mother in law requests Outback for lunch. Next year, I want a Walaby Darned, damn it!
2. To sleep in – I don’t want to get up to go to church. I don’t want to get up with cranky kids with messy diapers. I don’t want to get up to remind my husband to call his mom and find out what she wants for lunch before she goes to church. I just want to sleep and wake up when the time is right.
3. An uninterrupted nap – Even if I sleep in late, Sunday afternoon naps are awesome. I tried this year but a very cranky baby with tummy troubles interrupted it. Moms truly never have a day off.
4. Jewelry that fits – My husband got me a bracelet that is too small because he thought I had small wrists. What. The. Fuck? He’s known me for 10 years, bought me other bracelets even. I’m a solid girl of eastern European stock. Why would I have dainty little wrists? I know I’ve bitched and moaned about having my grandmother’s stegosaurus like bone structure on several occasions over the last 10 years. At least he can take it back and get something that fits.
5. A clean cat box without having to ask or remind someone to clean it - This one is self-explanatory. Never mind the fact that I couldn’t clean the box right now, even if I wanted to due to my pregnancy. The deal when we got the cats was that they were his responsibility and he would take care of them.
6. To not have to pick up everyone else’s garbage and throw it away - Apparently, the fairy that is supposed to rinse out recyclables before putting them in the bin does not know where our house is. I often find empty Mountain Dew cans next to the sink.
7. To not have tummy troubles. - Hopefully, this sickness is just pregnancy related. I will spare you all the details. You’re welcome.
8. Red velvet cake ice cream from The Ritz in Allentown - This was the highlight of my Mothers Day. They have awesome ice cream in there.
9. My father in law to have a new kidney - The poor guy has been in the hospital almost every Mothers Day since I’ve known him. I really hope his health gets better. I think this is what he needs.
10. My children and their father to be happy and healthy, as well as the rest of my friends and relatives - As much as I whine and bitch about everything else, it could all be worse. The important thing is that we’re all happy and healthy. The rest is just small details.
2. To sleep in – I don’t want to get up to go to church. I don’t want to get up with cranky kids with messy diapers. I don’t want to get up to remind my husband to call his mom and find out what she wants for lunch before she goes to church. I just want to sleep and wake up when the time is right.
3. An uninterrupted nap – Even if I sleep in late, Sunday afternoon naps are awesome. I tried this year but a very cranky baby with tummy troubles interrupted it. Moms truly never have a day off.
4. Jewelry that fits – My husband got me a bracelet that is too small because he thought I had small wrists. What. The. Fuck? He’s known me for 10 years, bought me other bracelets even. I’m a solid girl of eastern European stock. Why would I have dainty little wrists? I know I’ve bitched and moaned about having my grandmother’s stegosaurus like bone structure on several occasions over the last 10 years. At least he can take it back and get something that fits.
5. A clean cat box without having to ask or remind someone to clean it - This one is self-explanatory. Never mind the fact that I couldn’t clean the box right now, even if I wanted to due to my pregnancy. The deal when we got the cats was that they were his responsibility and he would take care of them.
6. To not have to pick up everyone else’s garbage and throw it away - Apparently, the fairy that is supposed to rinse out recyclables before putting them in the bin does not know where our house is. I often find empty Mountain Dew cans next to the sink.
7. To not have tummy troubles. - Hopefully, this sickness is just pregnancy related. I will spare you all the details. You’re welcome.
8. Red velvet cake ice cream from The Ritz in Allentown - This was the highlight of my Mothers Day. They have awesome ice cream in there.
9. My father in law to have a new kidney - The poor guy has been in the hospital almost every Mothers Day since I’ve known him. I really hope his health gets better. I think this is what he needs.
10. My children and their father to be happy and healthy, as well as the rest of my friends and relatives - As much as I whine and bitch about everything else, it could all be worse. The important thing is that we’re all happy and healthy. The rest is just small details.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Book Suggestions For Your Mom For Mothers Day
It's that time of year. Many bookstores, magazines and news magazine programs are offering advice on what books to get your mom for Mother's Day. I can honestly say that, as a mom, these suggestions are always really lame. I'm not crafter. Gardening makes me itchy. I'd be insulted by Rachel Ray cookbook or something called "Hello, Cupcake!" I have no desire to read another Jodi Picoult book. So here are my suggestions for moms who don't fall under the umbrella of normalcy.
For the mom who is not quite Martha Stewart and has a really good sense of humor about it,
I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence by Amy Sedaris – Sedaris, best known for her role in Strangers With Candy, as well as being the sister of humorous writer David Sedaris, offers some very handy tips for entertaining in this book. She is an advocate of stuffing your medicine cabinet with marbles to find out who is a nosey guest. She also gives great etiquette advice. For example, when speaking with the bereaved, a bad question to ask may be, “Where were you at the time?’ I have given this book as a gift many times. The first time was shortly after someone asked me about a friend who had died in a car accident. “Was she drunk?” she asked. I responded, “Well, it was 10 AM on Christmas Eve and she was on her way to work. So, probably.”
For the mom on Prozac,
What Girls Learn by Karin Cook – This is a fictional story about a mother of two young girls who remarries and moves to a different state. Shortly after she is married, she finds out that she has breast cancer. It’s also quite a coming of age tale that became a Showtime Original movie and later a Lifetime Movie Channel classic. I dare anyone to read it and not cry like a baby. Being on Prozac is your only hope.
For the mom who works so much she has little time to enjoy arts and crafts,
Extreme Office Crafts: Creative & Devious Ways to Waste Office Supplies & Company Time by Jimmy Knight and Tom Chalmers - Let mom save time by giving herself a manicure with Liquid Paper during a long boring conference call. She can make fun little toys out of erasers and paper clips. Let her get in touch with her creative design side and make a mosaic picture out of post it notes. It’s all in this fun craft book.
For the mom who lives under a rock,
Twilight Collection by Stephenie Meyer – Although, she’s probably already read it. We all know moms are the real targeted audience.
For the mom who is a Bravo Junkie,
Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Stories, Real Love by Jill Zarin, Lisa Wexler, and Gloria Kamen
And
Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle) by Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen
As of press time, I have not read either of these books. I ordered them from Amazon. They’re being sent to me regular mail and we all know what a bunch of fuck ups there are in the Blandon post office. I expect to have them sometime next January. But I will give you my take based on the viewing habits of my present television viewing guilty pleasure, The Real Housewives of New York and a couple online reviews that I’ve read. Alex’s book rules! It’s funny, not at all pretentious and an overall good read. Jill’s book sucks. She’s a bitch and probably writes her own reviews to combat fans of the show who gave the book a bad review as a result of her snide behavior.
For the mom whose wild life has been tamed by sniveling brats like yourself,
Mommies Who Drink: Sex, Drugs, and Other Distant Memories of an Ordinary Mom by Brett Paesel - If your mom didn’t mind labor because she was drugged up to her eyeballs, this is the book for her. It follows a mother of two and her girlfriends who enjoy a good cocktail, each others’ company and the adventures in mommyhood. Plus, the cover is super cute with its wink at Goodnight Moon
For the mom who is in denial and/or can't take a hint,
Mom, Dad, I'm Gay.: How Families Negotiate Coming Out by Ritch C. Savin-Williams – Chances are pretty good your mom has already figured it out. I mean, hello! You spell Ritch with a “t” in the middle. She’d probably prefer some nice flowers or a charm bracelet. But if you really feel the need to have a long discussion on a day that’s supposed to be light and happy for her, go for it. Just promise you’ll take her shopping or dancing another time.
For the mom who is horny,
Porn for New Moms: From the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative by
Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative, Susan Anderson - A nice collection of hot men handling babies, talking about how they’ll change the diapers and do the laundry. Ah, a girl can dream.
For the new mom who is a bit clueless,
Safe Baby Handling Tips by David Sopp and Kelly Sopp – This illustrated board book offers great advice such as the following.
It also offers The Wheel of Responsibility for the couples to divvy up the tasks that pesky little babies demand so frequently. Never again will you have to play rock, paper, scissors to decide who has to change the next poopy diaper.
For the mom who is a misinformed Republican,
That's No Angry Mob, That's My Mom: Team Obama's Assault on Tea-Party, Talk-Radio Americans by Michael Graham - Then smack her upside the head with it for me.
For the single mom who makes bad decisions,
If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs: A Guide to Understanding Men by Big Boom – Another one that I’ve never read. I never really needed this advice. But I know a lot of people who do, including your mom.
For the mom who is not quite Martha Stewart and has a really good sense of humor about it,
I Like You: Hospitality Under The Influence by Amy Sedaris – Sedaris, best known for her role in Strangers With Candy, as well as being the sister of humorous writer David Sedaris, offers some very handy tips for entertaining in this book. She is an advocate of stuffing your medicine cabinet with marbles to find out who is a nosey guest. She also gives great etiquette advice. For example, when speaking with the bereaved, a bad question to ask may be, “Where were you at the time?’ I have given this book as a gift many times. The first time was shortly after someone asked me about a friend who had died in a car accident. “Was she drunk?” she asked. I responded, “Well, it was 10 AM on Christmas Eve and she was on her way to work. So, probably.”
For the mom on Prozac,
What Girls Learn by Karin Cook – This is a fictional story about a mother of two young girls who remarries and moves to a different state. Shortly after she is married, she finds out that she has breast cancer. It’s also quite a coming of age tale that became a Showtime Original movie and later a Lifetime Movie Channel classic. I dare anyone to read it and not cry like a baby. Being on Prozac is your only hope.
For the mom who works so much she has little time to enjoy arts and crafts,
Extreme Office Crafts: Creative & Devious Ways to Waste Office Supplies & Company Time by Jimmy Knight and Tom Chalmers - Let mom save time by giving herself a manicure with Liquid Paper during a long boring conference call. She can make fun little toys out of erasers and paper clips. Let her get in touch with her creative design side and make a mosaic picture out of post it notes. It’s all in this fun craft book.
For the mom who lives under a rock,
Twilight Collection by Stephenie Meyer – Although, she’s probably already read it. We all know moms are the real targeted audience.
For the mom who is a Bravo Junkie,
Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Stories, Real Love by Jill Zarin, Lisa Wexler, and Gloria Kamen
And
Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real House in New York City (With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle) by Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen
As of press time, I have not read either of these books. I ordered them from Amazon. They’re being sent to me regular mail and we all know what a bunch of fuck ups there are in the Blandon post office. I expect to have them sometime next January. But I will give you my take based on the viewing habits of my present television viewing guilty pleasure, The Real Housewives of New York and a couple online reviews that I’ve read. Alex’s book rules! It’s funny, not at all pretentious and an overall good read. Jill’s book sucks. She’s a bitch and probably writes her own reviews to combat fans of the show who gave the book a bad review as a result of her snide behavior.
For the mom whose wild life has been tamed by sniveling brats like yourself,
Mommies Who Drink: Sex, Drugs, and Other Distant Memories of an Ordinary Mom by Brett Paesel - If your mom didn’t mind labor because she was drugged up to her eyeballs, this is the book for her. It follows a mother of two and her girlfriends who enjoy a good cocktail, each others’ company and the adventures in mommyhood. Plus, the cover is super cute with its wink at Goodnight Moon
For the mom who is in denial and/or can't take a hint,
Mom, Dad, I'm Gay.: How Families Negotiate Coming Out by Ritch C. Savin-Williams – Chances are pretty good your mom has already figured it out. I mean, hello! You spell Ritch with a “t” in the middle. She’d probably prefer some nice flowers or a charm bracelet. But if you really feel the need to have a long discussion on a day that’s supposed to be light and happy for her, go for it. Just promise you’ll take her shopping or dancing another time.
For the mom who is horny,
Porn for New Moms: From the Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative by
Cambridge Women's Pornography Cooperative, Susan Anderson - A nice collection of hot men handling babies, talking about how they’ll change the diapers and do the laundry. Ah, a girl can dream.
For the new mom who is a bit clueless,
Safe Baby Handling Tips by David Sopp and Kelly Sopp – This illustrated board book offers great advice such as the following.
It also offers The Wheel of Responsibility for the couples to divvy up the tasks that pesky little babies demand so frequently. Never again will you have to play rock, paper, scissors to decide who has to change the next poopy diaper.
For the mom who is a misinformed Republican,
That's No Angry Mob, That's My Mom: Team Obama's Assault on Tea-Party, Talk-Radio Americans by Michael Graham - Then smack her upside the head with it for me.
For the single mom who makes bad decisions,
If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start with Your Legs: A Guide to Understanding Men by Big Boom – Another one that I’ve never read. I never really needed this advice. But I know a lot of people who do, including your mom.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Excuse Me While I Complain To The Marketing People
Dear Department Store Designers,
Why do you insist on putting your maternity and baby clothes in the corner of the store that is the farthest from the store’s entrance? Do you know who is buying these items? Fat, tired, pregnant ladies who don’t have the energy to walk from one far end of the mall or shopping center to the other.
I completely understand if you don’t want to put these items at the front of the store. After all, they are for a targeted market and do not have mass appeal. But do you really have to put them all the way in the back? Just the mere thought of trying to tackle the mall for what I want makes me tired, especially on a hot day. My lungs are being crushed by my ever expanding uterus. My feet are swollen from the heat. And sometimes, I'm dragging a year and a half year old around with me. Please, have a little mercy.
Perhaps you think it’s best to keep these departments near the restrooms, as I will need to get there as well at some point. I appreciate that line of thinking. Perhaps you think I need exercise. That’s probably true. But you really aren’t doing yourself any favors. I can very easily shop online. And while this might not hurt your company’s overall bottom line, it will hurt the local store as a profit center.
Love,
A Big Fat Pregnant Lady Who Loves Shopping And Is In An Uncomfortable State
Why do you insist on putting your maternity and baby clothes in the corner of the store that is the farthest from the store’s entrance? Do you know who is buying these items? Fat, tired, pregnant ladies who don’t have the energy to walk from one far end of the mall or shopping center to the other.
I completely understand if you don’t want to put these items at the front of the store. After all, they are for a targeted market and do not have mass appeal. But do you really have to put them all the way in the back? Just the mere thought of trying to tackle the mall for what I want makes me tired, especially on a hot day. My lungs are being crushed by my ever expanding uterus. My feet are swollen from the heat. And sometimes, I'm dragging a year and a half year old around with me. Please, have a little mercy.
Perhaps you think it’s best to keep these departments near the restrooms, as I will need to get there as well at some point. I appreciate that line of thinking. Perhaps you think I need exercise. That’s probably true. But you really aren’t doing yourself any favors. I can very easily shop online. And while this might not hurt your company’s overall bottom line, it will hurt the local store as a profit center.
Love,
A Big Fat Pregnant Lady Who Loves Shopping And Is In An Uncomfortable State
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