BLOGGER'S NOTE: This is a variation of the Creep Of The Week feature of my other blog.
How to recognize them: Female with child(ren), she often likes to put herself in ridiculous situations and play the victim card. Then she expects the rest of us to be in awe of her fortitude for something she did not have to go through in the first place. Also, she has an extremely stretched out vagina.
Frequently heard saying: “My little Cole was 12 lbs at birth. AND I had him NATURALLY." (After saything this, she pauses for admiration).
“It’s called labor for a reason.”
“Honey, can you rub a little something on my perineum?”
“OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! MY HOO HA!!!!”
Why they bug: This is completely unnecessary. Are you aware that you are not in a third world country and there are lots and lots of good drugs for this? Why waste technology? The only person who will be hurt by this is you. And your kids are never going to care how you got them out of you, no matter how hard you try to guilt them. And we know you will try to guilt them.
Their retort: “Giving birth is a natural process.” “Your vagina was created to stretch itself enough to pass a child through it.” “Women have been giving birth without drugs for thousands of years. You don’t need drugs.” “I just spent the last nine months without so much as a drop of caffeine. I’m not going to blow all that now."
My response: An epidural is the payoff of being drug free all this time. I’m sleepy. Give the epidural so that I can take a nap while I dilate. Sleeping during labor is the best part. Lord knows your sleep will not be as easily attained after labor is over.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Sweet Dreams, Baby!
In the past few weeks, I have heard a lot of moms complaining that their babies are not sleeping. There are experts out there making mints off various methods. Since I have managed to raise a good sleeper (*knock on wood*), I am going to share what I have learned with you.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
1. It’s never too early to get started on a sleep routine. My dad, a man who raised four girls, taught this to me. I figured he had to know something. He told me to start developing patterns and routines from the day that I got home from the hospital. Work it around your lifestyle if you have to. What worked best for us was a routine in which the baby would sleep at hour and a half to two hour intervals throughout the day and be awake for the same amount of time in between.
2. Establish a regular bedtime and stick to it. We chose 8:30 pm but ranged as early as 8:00 pm and as late as 9:00 pm. This is all part of keeping the routine.
3. Give the baby a bottle. Even if you’re breastfeeding, give the baby a bottle of expressed breast milk. This way you will know exactly how much the baby has had and that his tummy is full.
4. Don’t bathe the baby immediately before bed. It is often advised that a bath should be part of the baby’s bedtime schedule. However, water can be stimulating for some babies. Try bathing earlier in the day or, if your schedule allows, in the morning. Also, if your baby has a lot of hair, you probably don’t want to put her in the crib with a wet head as it may lead to making your mattress moldy and funky.
5. Swaddle or use a special blanket only at bedtime. This will condition the baby to associate the blanket with sleeping. My daughter always broke out of swaddles so I recommend the Halo Sleepsack because it zips, making it very difficult for your baby Houdini to escape.
6. Keep the temperature and the lights down. Dark and cool make for the most comfortable sleeping conditions, especially if the baby is snuggled up in a blanky.
7. Remove any distractions from the crib. I’ve heard a lot of women complaining and wondering what to do when their child wakes up in the middle of the night, throws their toys or blankets out of the crib and then cries until a half asleep mommy comes into the room to rescue them. End the game by taking the ball and going home. If they’re going to throw it out of the crib, they don’t need it. The baby is only training you to play fetch.
8. Cry it out – but not for too long. It’s not good to let your child cry for too long, especially if they are the type to hold their breath while doing it. Crying for longer than 10 minutes can lead to brain damage. However, most babies are never going to cry for that long. They will get bored with the crying or wear themselves out.
9.If your baby cries for five minutes or more, get him up. Read a story or play with a quiet toy. Rock the baby. Sing a song. Try all the tried and true things that your mother and grandmother suggested and used with you.
10. Nighttime Oragel for baby, nightcap for you. Teething can be a big culprit in the staying awake game. Be sure that during the baby’s nighttime dental routine you are also addressing any teething issues. And when all else fails, have a glass of wine (unless you are also expecting another baby). A calmer mommy will make for a calmer baby. Getting freaked out and angry will only agitate or scare your little one more.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Pregnant Women Lie
"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's healthy."
We've all heard this statement before. It is clearly a load of bullshit.
I understand fully that a healthy baby is certainly a priority. When I was pregnant last time and had to have an amnio (which ended up being botched, resulting in a need for a second amnio), wanting a tiny little girl in a fluffy pink blanket was certainly put aside for a more dire concern. But it never went away. And I was crazy excited when the amnio results came and confirmed what the doctor who performed the amnio seemed to find a bit iffy - that my dreams of tea parties, dolls and puppet shows were about to become a reality.
Why can't people just admit they have a preference? Why can't you want a healthy boy or a healthy girl? And really, even if that child is not healthy, will you love it less? I would think that a mother's love for an ailing child is even more profound since there is more on the line and the possibility of something going horribly wrong is a reality that she always stares in the face.
I write this on the eve of my big ultrasound which will hopefully show a healthy child but also the genitals that I prefer. And I get being a little depressed about not getting what you want. For me, one outcome should go off without a hitch and the other will be a bigger challenge in terms of logistics and certain practical elements, like what to name the baby when neither of us can agree and no one wants to back down.
I assure you that I will love this baby no matter what it is, as long as it's not a republican. But there is a certain way that I want things to go tomorrow. And in my vow of honesty and throwing political correctness at the wind, I cannot deny it.
We've all heard this statement before. It is clearly a load of bullshit.
I understand fully that a healthy baby is certainly a priority. When I was pregnant last time and had to have an amnio (which ended up being botched, resulting in a need for a second amnio), wanting a tiny little girl in a fluffy pink blanket was certainly put aside for a more dire concern. But it never went away. And I was crazy excited when the amnio results came and confirmed what the doctor who performed the amnio seemed to find a bit iffy - that my dreams of tea parties, dolls and puppet shows were about to become a reality.
Why can't people just admit they have a preference? Why can't you want a healthy boy or a healthy girl? And really, even if that child is not healthy, will you love it less? I would think that a mother's love for an ailing child is even more profound since there is more on the line and the possibility of something going horribly wrong is a reality that she always stares in the face.
I write this on the eve of my big ultrasound which will hopefully show a healthy child but also the genitals that I prefer. And I get being a little depressed about not getting what you want. For me, one outcome should go off without a hitch and the other will be a bigger challenge in terms of logistics and certain practical elements, like what to name the baby when neither of us can agree and no one wants to back down.
I assure you that I will love this baby no matter what it is, as long as it's not a republican. But there is a certain way that I want things to go tomorrow. And in my vow of honesty and throwing political correctness at the wind, I cannot deny it.
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